honesty is the best policy

maybe i've been watching too much sex and the city lately (i guess stay in a hospital for more than a weekend with no one to talk to or listen to but a tv can do that to you) but i feel like i have so much to write. its a feeling i'm relishing at the moment, so let me have my carrie bradshaw moment.

tonight as i was laying in bed (yes, my bed) reading my favorite magazine real simple i had a thought. provoked by an article in the 'life lessons' section of the magazine about honesty. the article, 5 things worth admitting to had my mind racing. and i think i'm entering a bought of insomnia - perhaps brought on by the hospital stay - my mind welcomed the opportunity to think.

numbers 4 and 5 particularly struck me:

number 4: you're tired of hearing about it. SO true, yet no one ever tells you. i have a few friends that are constantly talking about the same thing, over and over and over. it would be nice to have a dinner out without talking about what we always talk about: being single. yes, being single isn't really that fun. and yes, it's more fun to go out when you are getting a boys attention. but is that all we have to talk about? let's talk about something of substance for once. like, the state of the union. okay - maybe not that deep or serious. but something, anything, would be better than dissecting the male mind for once.

i dislike being single as much as the next person (not true, one of my friends absolutely adores being single) but i think it makes it worse to talk about it. why is it that i can't say to my close friends that i don't want to hear about it anymore? i don't care what he said when he called you three days later! another of my girlfriends, one of my favorites, kb always lets me know when i'm going overboard. i'm so grateful that she feels comfortable enough with me to bbm me good, sound advice like: if he wants to see you, he'll see you. stop wasting energy on someone that won't spend energy on you. i'm done with this topic. now, let's talk about my crazy boss. short, sweet and to the point.

maybe that was a bad example. my point is, kb is the only person i know (besides family) that will straight up tell me she doesn't want to hear about it anymore. and i guess this article showed me that i'm also yearning for that trait. "life is too short to listen to people talk about the same problems over and over again." - real simple. i couldn't have said it better myself! weekly goal number 1: tell someone i'm tired of hearing about it. change it. and move on.

number 5: everything. "no one can fault you for talking about others indiscretions if you're the first to reveal those things about yourself." - real simple. it's so true and so honest. i am a people pleaser. i want everyone to like me. and that means sometimes i leave parts of who i am out of my relationship with people so that they won't have a bad opinion of me. even people i have known since elementary school, i can't tell them things that are screaming to get out of me, but it's easy for me to tell them that i like to drink whiskey cokes, that i thought i would be engaged by now and that ever since i was little i have wanted to wear glasses. i only let them see who i think they want to see. weekly goal number 2: tell them everything. (well not total strangers, i don't want to get put in the loony bin.)

the truth about why number 4 and 5 even exist? we are too afraid, as people, to hurt others. my mama always tells me that one of my greatest features is that i show my feelings. if i need to cry, i'll cry. if i'm mad, you're going to know it. i can't hide them. even if i try. but is it really okay that we don't share everything about ourselves because we are afraid of hurting others? that even with our closest friends, we are afraid to tell them we don't want to listen about the same problem over and over and over and over...again? i would much rather surround myself with people that are 100% their honest selves, that will tell me to shut up already if they think i need to, than people that are only showing me the part they want to know.

i think, chances are, their 100% being is greater than their 98%.

and with that world, i bid you, goodnight.

cross it off the bucket list.

today is day 7 in the hospital. i'm crossing my fingers, toes and eyes that i'll get to go home later today. i want out of here! my whole body is screaming it and if the nurses can't hear it i'm surprised. i do have to say a big thank you to them for taking care of me - man they are good at refreshing my water at 3 am. and i'll probably miss getting my blood pressure taken. it's good to know what your vital signs are every 8 hours, i'm starting to think.

yesterday afternoon i really started to feel better. better enough that i read half of my book and plan on devouring the other half later today. better enough that i got out of my (really uncomfortable) hospital bed and sat in a chair for most of the evening. it felt like i was returning to the human race and out of zombie land.

this morning i feel the same. i told the nurses my pain scale was a 'zero' and everyone is very excited for me. fingers crossed that it doesn't change. the one thing about this headache is that it has gotten better and then gotten worse again. i'm hopeful that it will stay the same until after rounds so i can finally go. home.

it also helps that my last treatment was about 10 hours ago. the drugged feeling was the worst! i felt tired and lethargic. i felt like i didn't care about anything (especially food, especially strange for me...) and i didn't like it at all. i don't know why anyone would get addicted to that feeling - which i guess is a good sign, right mom?

the thing i'm most excited for? getting this stupid iv out of my hand. it's itchy and sore. i am grateful for the relief it gave me from my headache. but it's time for it to go! i have really beautiful bruises all over my arms from the needles poking me - reminders of how awful my headache was when i first got here. (a nine on the pain scale, if you are wondering.) i am also excited to return to my beautiful home and curl up in front of my fire place.

here's another gem from anthropologie. i hope it will make an appearance in my closet sometime soon.

i think i can officially cross "hospital stay" off my bucket list of life experiences. not that i really wanted to be here. and i hope i don't need to come back for a very long time.

stir crazzzy!

it's tuesday and, i think most of you know - but if you don't, my fifth day in the hospital.

i know - SHOCKER.

on thursday night i called my mom in tears because i was in so much pain from my headache (worse than ever) and friday morning we came to the ER on my doc's suggestion. and then i got admitted.

it's been a really long five days. i've been poked a lot to start new iv's (there has to be a better way to accomplish this, really) and i'm starting to get pretty stiff from laying around. i'm really sick of watching tv but tonight is the first night it isn't hurting really bad to move my eyes to do something else.

i have to say thank you to my doctors, especially my primary care dr. l and to the migraine specialist dr. r. they're neighbors! and if it wasn't for dr. r's husband doc gonzalez - i don't know what would be happening to me. all three of these docs have gone out of their way to take care of me (as in, they aren't technically on my team) and to make sure i'm feeling as comfortable as i can.

my team - the neuros lets call them - is also pretty fab. although it's taking a long time to figure out how to treat the migraine, it's finally working and that is one giant blessing to me. i know that i should be grateful to be in such a wonderful hospital getting better and i am. i just wish i could go home now, thanks...

one of the things that i've learned while being in here is that i am really glad that i'm not a nurse. as lovely (for the most part) as these women have been to me, i really don't want their job. i'll take a crazy bridezilla over catching puke in a bucket any day. but i do owe nancy a huge thank you for doing that for me. :)

i've also learned that i'm really glad that i moved home last year to have my family so close to me. and i'm lucky that my family that is far away is checking in on me daily. it's nice to know that so many people want me to feel better. (that sounded totally wrong. i hope you know what i'm trying to say!) i really have the best family and friends in iowa.

since i've had some free time (five days worth) i've also been looking online for a spring wardrobe update. here's what i'm currently lusting over -

i would like everything. the jacket, the jeans, the sweater. all from anthro, of course.

LOVING this skirt, belt and necklace.

similar to the first, but looks perfect for a spring day in the studio!

and because i'm a sucker for a nice handbag, my fingers did some shopping at my favorite, kate spade:

this is love. and it might be a present to myself :)

beautiful and practical. perfect.

that's all i've got for tonight. i'm watching the state of the union (yay obama!) and then it'll be on to parenthood and teen mom. oh, and my next treatment.

cross your fingers i break out soon...

all images from anthro & kate spade

migraine update + happy weekend!

look, two posts in one week!

first, an update on my migraine! yesterday, i spent a glorious four hours in the neurology clinic hooked up to an iv that made me restless. i really thought the medicine was working, until around nine o'clock the migraine returned. i thought if i slept it would help but this morning it is still there and going strong. i made it through work and now i'm taking it easy at home organizing my room and sleeping. i really am not sure what my options are at this point - other than going crazy from pain. i'm praying tomorrow will be a new day and that the meds i took today (excedrin migraine) will work along with a good nights rest. cross your fingers! otherwise, i think i'll spend sunday night in the ER trying to take care of this one way or another.

secondly, it's the weekend! i'm so excited - i'm hoping that this migraine will end so i can at least enjoy some of it. i have crazy plans for tonight: watch the bachelor that i missed on monday and sleep. and tomorrow: bridal show! monday (bonus!) i'll be doing NOTHING for the first time in fourteen days. bridal season leaves no room for a migraine. prayers are welcome and appreciated that this will not last any longer. i'm sure my (fabulous) co-workers are ready for me to work a full week without leaving to go to the hospital. i'm blessed that they are understanding and want me to get better.

that's about all i've got. i've been thinking a lot about this blog and i think i have some exciting things planned. at least, exciting to me. ;) so, let's get me better and see what the new year will bring!

what are you doing this weekend?

{happy new year!}

happy new year! a few days late, but it seems like i haven't accomplished anything this year. how were your holidays? it was so nice to not work for five days and just relax with my family. it seemed especially nice this year. i stayed with my grandparents a few days after the holiday - just me. we went to movies, drank grasshoppers and those moments i will cherish forever. i am so blessed to have them close to me and have the ability to share that time with them.

i have been meaning to sit down to write this post for many days. everyday i wake up and see my computer i think maybe today i'll blog, and then the day passes and its on to the next one.

the snow is starting to fall here in iowa. it's really beautiful out - now that i'm cozy in my home and not driving with one headlight out. i am so looking forward to snuggling into my comforter and sleeping! there is nothing like your bed at the end of a long day, right? although i'm not a fan of the snow (at ALL) i'm glad that we won't have to look at much of the dirty ground anymore. there is something so sad and depressing about the dead grass. hopefully we won't get another warm up so that this snow sticks around for awhile!

the reason for this post is to, of course, share my new year resolutions with you. although technically i have failed them all. but i can't explain!

1. blog at least twice a week. achievable. it is so nice to have a space to share my thoughts and i enjoy doing it. and i want to share what i'm working on with all of you! there have been so many things i want to share with the world and haven't because i'm really, really lazy. no more excuses!
2. exercise. standard stuff. routine is what my body seems to be yearning for. hopefully my mom and i can conquer this one together!
3. cook at least three times a week. i got so many nice things for christmas, but the one i'm really looking forward to using is the panini maker that the contractor and my mom got me. i can't wait to master panera's paininis on my own...for so much cheaper! in an effort to safe money and to make use of my fabulous kitchen things (like napkins, napkin holders and place mats!) i'm trying to cook more.
4. travel. all of my college friends have scattered across the country and live in the most fabulous places! atlanta, new york, san diego, houston, minneapolis! with so many fun places to explore, i hope i get to visit all of them before 2011 is over. i would also LOVE to take a trip just for myself. and right now, the thought of any place with sunshine, a beach and a fancy drink with an umbrella in it sounds pretty fantabulous.

i'm sure there are more i'm forgetting. one huge goal is to try not to be a workaholic. when i leave the office, i want to leave the office. which means i may not ever leave...last year i think i let myself get consumed with thinking about work and it affected my relationship and overall my stress level. which right now, is something i'm trying to avoid. which brings me to why i have already failed at all of my goals (including travel!) for the new year...

today is day 14 of a migraine for me. i'm five days away from breaking my record of 19 days. i am exhausted, frustrated and irritated because i haven't felt like me in so long. i've missed out on seeing my dear friends in chicago, a new years eve trip to missouri to see other friends and i missed the end of the iowa v. missouri game - the first in 100 years. mostly, i've missed out on being myself for fourteen days!!! i have been to the doctor and have been drugged - and i'm most frustrated that no one knows what to do! thursday i'll make another trip to the hospital to see a neurologist. i'm hoping he/she will 1) look like mcdreamy/mcsteamy and 2) have some kind of genius answer to kill this thing.

for those of you have never had one - i hope you never do. it's exhausting and all you want to do is lay in bed with all the lights off for days. and in reality, you can't really do that forever because you can only lay around for so long before you get a little restless. good thoughts and prayers are welcome at this point - and i promise to keep you all updated on what happens on thursday. so far, no one thinks it is anything more serious than a migraine and hopefully they will keep that same frame of mind on thursday.

here's to a new year and your new year resolutions!