the break-up

it's funny when you tell someone that you and a significant other just broke up. some things always happen: a look of disbelief/shock followed by the question "are you okay", they offer up their son/grandson/cousin to you with the promise that they are looking for a relationship, cute and don't want 'just a fling', tell you all the things that they didn't like about the significant other or say something along the lines of 'finally! i thought we would never get rid of them!'

i guess all of those things are normal and good reactions to news that no one knows how to react to. even the person going through the break up is a little confused, shocked and in disbelief.

if you told me 6 months ago, i would be sitting in my brand new condo feeling a little sorry for myself, listening to sad music and alone i would have reacted in one of the afore mentioned ways. probably laughing the whole time. 6 months ago i was planning summer trips to chicago & wineries. talking about getting a dog. talking about moving in. seriously thinking about the 5 c's of diamonds.

it's all so bizarre.

when he & i broke up, we promised we would still be friends. easier said than done because now even though i want to call him & tell him about the crazy bride i just worked with or some juicy gossip i can't. because of the evil-ness that is facebook and it's newsfeed. because i can't stop thinking about the girl he is probably hanging out with that isn't me.

i can't stop thinking about his future, never thinking about my own instead. i'm more worried about him accomplishing his dreams than focusing on my own. i want to scream at him for making choices that i know he wouldn't be making if i was there.

it's always easier for me to choose sarcasm than to be honest about the way that i feel. the truth? i am doing fine. i know i made the right decision. i don't regret it at all. but i still wish that it didn't have to end the way it did.

maybe we promised each other too much. maybe we didn't give each other enough of a chance to grow. maybe we didn't fight hard enough at the end. maybe we shouldn't have joked about dating the next person five seconds after deciding it was over.

there are too many maybes in this world.